In the years that followed my dear friends own suicide, my own mental health deteriorated to the extent that I tried to take my own life in 2013. Soon madness had worn me down. It’s easier to do what it says than argue. In this way, it takes over your mind. You no longer know where it ends and you begin. You believe anything it says. You do what it tells you, no matter how extreme or absurd. If it says you’re worthless, you agree. You plead for it to stop. You promise to behave. You are on your knees before it, and it laughs.

It wasn’t until my good friend who now I call a brother, ran 15km and kicked down a door to break into my house and save my life. At this point I finally admitted I was sick. Driving to the hospital in the back of an ambulance asking myself how it got this bad. The horrible realization that I just tried to end my life.

Soon after my bipolar diagnosis arrived and I started to get the help I needed. I still till this day continue to fight this disorder.

Suicide can be difficult to understand for anyone who hasn’t entertained suicidal thoughts. Some people consider suicide a selfish act. I once thought this to after a close friend ended his life.. This is not the case. The decision to end one’s life is often due to what people perceive as a lack of choice, the person who takes their own life believes it is the only way to stop the pain.

If I ever get to that place again, I'm determined to open up.

I’ll try and explain what takes a person to the point where they cannot conceive of living any more. Despite having seen at first hand the devastation wrought by the suicide of a loved one, I was at the point where I genuinely believed that everyone who knew me would be better off if I wasn’t here anymore. All insight and rationale is lost. It’s not necessarily that you wanted to die you just don’t want to carry on living. There is just an unending blackness in your mind, which you think will never end. In turn you became very good at hiding it, putting on a mask.

When some clarity starts to return, you can’t quite believe you nearly put everyone you love through such a horrendous ordeal. I won’t in the future. I’m in the best place I can be at the moment, busy equipping myself with the tools to keep on top of my illness. But if I ever get to that place again, I’m determined to open up to those around me before it’s too late.

There should be no stigma in talking about suicide